Dear Future First Husband,
In my quest to find you, I've done something I said I would never do. I joined Match.com.
White it's quite possible (okay, highly unlikely) I will meet you through the world wide web, this might just end up being a good story I can tell our future kids about how mommy got desperate that she couldn't find anyone in her home city to date, so she took to the Internet to find daddy... or something like that.
In my style, my profile has none of that "I'm looking for someone who is a real guy..." bullshit and instead, went the funny route:
Tag Line: "We'll have so much more room for Activities... so many activities!!!"
Summary:
"I was born a poor black child...
My life is based on the novel Push by Sapphire.
I'm a good time and beautiful... at least that's what the people that pay me to take my picture tell me.
My ideal match: Smart... S-M-R-T, funny, tall and only has to be cute enough. Someone that likes to buy girls flowers that will die 5 days later and dosent' mind outdoors as well as fancy restaurants. Is it you?!? It could be!
For Fun:
I like calligraphy and writing cool shiz but in pretty letters. I like to over commit my time by doing nice things for poor people, playing kickball, and rollin' with my homies.
Favorite Hot Spots: Local Club, Local Bar, Local Restaurant. Colorado.
Favorite Things:
"Music is like a box of chocolates... eat the candy and throw away the rappers."
I also like Storage Wars.
Who I'm looking for:
Over 6'
Athletic and Toned, Slender
Income over $50,000 (A man HAS to make more than me. Deal Breaker)
Never Married
No Kids
White/Caucasian
Bachelor's Degree and Up
Age: 29-37
The first 24 hours I had 74 winks, 58 emails, and 217 profile views. HUH? I guess throwing those modeling pics in there didn't hurt.
These men include Asians, men that are 5'6, men with children, men who make less than me (AND admit it), Divorcee's, people who only went to high school, and 40 year olds.
Did you NOT read what I'm looking for? Obviously not. That Steve Martin "Jerk" quote on my opening line get ya?
I've emailed back 2 guys out of all of them... and I really don't even want to actually go out with either of them. Go figure. At least they were cute. The poem one of them wrote freaked me out a little, but he apologized for that one. Good move.
Next time I'll share some of the creepy emails.
Until then,
Love,
Me.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Disaster Date
Dear Future First Husband, I must tell you about my date from this weekend. If you turn out to be this guy, you must have drugged and then brain washed me into not only seeing you again, but marrying you as well. Preface: I met the guy about 3 weeks ago at a birthday party I was at. We talked for a while at the bar... he's friends with mutual friends. I hear he's nice/great guy/etc, so when he gets my phone number I think why the heck not. Everyone once in a while I do like the attention from the male gender... I also like free dinners and drinks. Calls me several times the next week or so and wants to "hang out". Excuse me? You don't ask a girl to "hang out" you ask her to dinner. I decided until he asked me to dinner I was going to make excuses why I could see him. I don't settle for anything less. The date: He calls me that night and asks me where I want to go. I get to pick? Excellent on the fact that I got to go to Tillman's, pathetic on the fact that the guy couldn't make a decision on where to take me. That's not a good sign. I like a guy to take control and let ME know where we are going. Not vice versa. Grow some balls. He picks me up and we head to Tillman's. He didn't get his car washed and it was junked out with all sorts of stuff. I think I saw a small life raft and a mannequin back there. Seriously. Come on... first dates are about putting your best foot forward and his best foot was buried in the piles of crap in that Tahoe. Also the one of the headlights kept popping out and he had to get out and pop it back in. Hello! Precious Cargo (aka me) was in that car! We get to the restaurant and I ask him the prerequisite questions... about his job, family, school etc. Here's a brief re-cap of what I got. 1. His job. He's a lawyer (strike one) that works freelance (strike two) and if you want to know how much he makes in a year feel free to ask me cause he actually told me (strike three.) 2. His family. He has three older sister and an older brother. They are all 2 years apart. He will not tell me his age, just that "he's 2 years younger than his 40 year old brother, so I should be able to figure out the math." Ummm... so you're 38? Maybe? And you won't tell me because.... I ask him about his sisters and if they have kids, etc. He actually says he doesn't know. He doesn't know if his sisters are even married or WHAT STATE THEY LIVE IN because he hasn't talked to them in TWENTY YEARS. I didn't want to pry, but I had to ask if they had a falling out... nope, they just never had much in common and lost touch. HUH? My brother likes hunting and being outside and we still talk to each other. 3. The fact he won't tell me his age freaked me out enough... 38 is a little too old for me anyway... 4. I couldn't really look at him at dinner. He was cuter than I remembered from the night I met him, but only when he kept his mouth shut. Something about his teeth bothered me. They were short and pointy and I don't date vampires. After dinner we go back to his place for a glass of wine before we head to meet some of his friends. BIG mistake bringing me there. Here's a brief recap of his apartment: 1. It's in the ghettoooooo. (Insert song here.) Seriously. Chipping stucco, roof tiles falling off, gunshots in the window kind of ghetto. 2. Well, okay, maybe the inside is better... I've seen people turn crappy places into a cute nice place to live. No such luck. His sofa looked like it came from the curb on large item pick up day... ten years ago. I have to sit around stains the size of Texas. There is also a nice fish tank... empty but dirty... and papers laying everywhere. As I sit down and sip my wine, I notice something dart out of the corner of the room.... 3. ... it was a cat... no, not just one cat but TWO cats! (Surprisingly, the apartment did not have a foul odor often associated with felines and little boxes.) I was wearing black pants. One of the cats was white. Gross. 4. He did have a flatscreen the size of the jumbo screens at Cowboys Stadium. I see he has his priorities in order. We leave and go meet his friends... turns out I know most, if not all, of them. Why did they not warn me! As the date ends I'm already pretty sure I will not be going out with him again... but no... he has different ideas. The aftermath: Saturday I go to a party for my aunt. I do not tell him what time the party way or when I would be home. He had no reason to know. He calls me about 8 and I was with a friend having dinner. I do not answer my phone when I'm with others, so I silenced the call. He wasn't going to be ignored. I get a text asking what I'm doing and how the party is. 1. Why are you calling me if you think I'm at a party for my aunt. 2. I WOULD have called you back had you not phone stalked me. I replied back that I was at dinner and couldn't talk to him. Yes, I did make it look like I was on a date. He needs to know that I am a hot commodity. Sunday I go to watch the Cowboy game with another friend. Calls again. Once more, I was with a friend and didn't answer... no worries. He sends some more texts. In the course of the next hour he proceeds to tell me the whole game play by play. Excuse me, but I did let him know I was watching the game... not sure why I got running commentary while I was sitting in a feline free environment with a TV 10 feet from me. I finally replied "yes, we are watching the game, I've seen all this." No more texts. I thought I had gotten rid of him, but his persistence is like the heat this summer. Monday. I have calligraphy class. He calls me in the middle of class and you guessed it... texts me right after the call. I tell him I'm busy and we would have to catch up later. Tuesday. I have committee meetings and kickball. He calls me... texts me... I, again, tell him I'm busy and we will catch up later. It's Wednesday night now and I haven't heard from him yet... and I'm THRILLED! I'm sorry, but when did going on one date with a girl mean that you have to call her every single day? If he's acting like this now, what in the world is he going to do when I date other people at the same time as him? Kill those guys?! ... I guess I just need to be upfront and tell the guy that I don't mind going out every once in a while but I'm not interested in getting serious with anyone (or maybe just him) and during the week (and weekends) I'm busy and don't have time/energy/desire to tell someone a recap of my day. Or maybe something like that but nicer. Am I crazy that I'm freaked out?!!? |
Monday, September 5, 2011
Football game watching turned ex boyfriend watching.
Dear Future First Husband,
This weekend was pretty eventful. I thought with the happenings, it would be a good way for you to find out about my 2nd most recent ex. B.
I went to a sports bar to watch the big game with some friends... I get there about 6pm to meet up with M and D. Although packed outside, the nice cool inside was relatively bare so we had our pick of seats. We sit in the middle so everyone can see us. (Yes I'm completely serious. The more people that see you, the more chances you have to make new friends!)
I have on my normal game day attire for watching at a sports bar... colors of the team I'm cheering for that day (purple), (but not a t-shirt, lord forbid... I don't leave the house in t-shirts) hair and make up all done, and shorts with a cute belt and cute shoes (boots and skinny jeans will soon replace the shorts). Basically, I look hot, and I know it. Those workout classes have made a HUGE difference. Have you seen my abs!? Are they still hot now in the future?! I hope so.
Anywho... we are sitting at the table and a group of guys walk in. I don't recognize any of them, so I turn away. Of course the second I look up, I DO recognize one. It's B. The ex from over a year ago. Bad breakup, even worse time in between before I met M, the most recent ex. Meeting M actually was a good thing as it made me quit responding to B's late night calls to come over.
B and I didn't talk for about 5 months... I had heard about him dating several girls (I'm sure they didn't know about each other) and I did hear when he finally "settled" with one girl. Poor thing. I looked her up on facebook. She was younger than me, from a town smaller and farther away from the city as me, and her name was an alocholic beverage than ended with an "i".
I bet her mom also carried purses with big rhinestone crosses on them too.
Best (or worst part) was that her profile picture was her and her dogs... her Yorkie dogs... and this wasn't a profile picture taken by a cute photographer or old modeling photos like mine were. This was a Wal-mart traveling photo guy with the watercolor backdrop posed laying on her side with the dogs in front of her kind of picture. I had seen enough. Considering the fact that I was the one that gave B the final "f*#k off" and was now dating a guy who was 10x better, I left well enough alone.
I ran into them at the bar one night when I was out with the girls. He ignored me until I walked straight up, said hi, then went on my merry way to get another Bourbon and ginger. A week later, at 2 am, he texted me. That went on several times. My new boyfriend was well aware this was going on, and I never said anything back to make B think I wanted him. Apparently, he did the sneaky approach and deleted the texts he sent me, only leaving what I sent him, stringing together phrases in a creative way to make me look like an @$$. I get a text about a few days later:
"Me and my girlfriend B are doing amazing and you need to stay away from me and leave me alone. Please respect that." (the please respect that was a line that I had sent HIM in a previous text!)
My response: "please tell your girlfriend "B with an i ", who obviously wrote that last text, that YOU were the one that started texting me at 2am... or if you don't feel like telling her that, I'd be more than happy to send her the screen shots of those texts you probably deleted. Like I said before, leave me alone."
His response back, which I'm sure she didn't get to read: "I'm really sorry about all of those texts... it's probably best we both just let each other be."
So we did. I haven't seen, heard from or about him for over 5 months. He is literally one of those guys that I could live the rest of my life never talking to again. So wasn't it fabulous when I ran into him at the bar.
The second he saw me he said hi, then turned around and sat WAY across the bar on the other side. Smooth move. Frankly, I didn't want to look at his newly enlarged body (was he that big around the middle when we dated?!) and old navy t-shirt. Of course his "guy night" went away cause next thing ya know "B with an i" is sitting there... right by the bathroom so that means I got to walk by her A LOT. I swear anytime they are together and I see them she's texting on her phone and he's talking to other people... sounds like our relationship.
She is wearing a t-shirt and jeans with flip flops. Like I said, I don't leave the house in that kind of outfit, let ALONE to a crowded bar. (Also, for the future, that's awesome you are blonde, but so am I, and if you want to stand out, maybe add a little volume so you don't look like you have the same hair as your dogs.) She was only there for maybe one quarter of the game then left. After the game (3 hours later) B left as well. Now I'm just waiting on him to start texting me again.
I think if anything I just feel sorry for her... B was always a guy who was attracted to a "Dillard's" kind of girl, and lets face it, I'm more high end luxury brand. (I blame that on my mommy and grandmother... you know my grandmother has only worn pants like 3 times in her whole life!?)
So future first husband, although I will still shop at Ross and Target, I have class and also read the fashion magazines and blogs to find out what people are wearing. I'm a trained interior designer and I know what looks good and flat hair and a t-shirt going out, just don't look good. If you are more of a guy that likes the "girl next door" look, don't try to change me into that. I'm not doing it. Like me for me, like me for who I am, and if you ever try to tell me I "look good spray tan orange" I will punch you in the face.
Until next time,
FFW
This weekend was pretty eventful. I thought with the happenings, it would be a good way for you to find out about my 2nd most recent ex. B.
I went to a sports bar to watch the big game with some friends... I get there about 6pm to meet up with M and D. Although packed outside, the nice cool inside was relatively bare so we had our pick of seats. We sit in the middle so everyone can see us. (Yes I'm completely serious. The more people that see you, the more chances you have to make new friends!)
I have on my normal game day attire for watching at a sports bar... colors of the team I'm cheering for that day (purple), (but not a t-shirt, lord forbid... I don't leave the house in t-shirts) hair and make up all done, and shorts with a cute belt and cute shoes (boots and skinny jeans will soon replace the shorts). Basically, I look hot, and I know it. Those workout classes have made a HUGE difference. Have you seen my abs!? Are they still hot now in the future?! I hope so.
Anywho... we are sitting at the table and a group of guys walk in. I don't recognize any of them, so I turn away. Of course the second I look up, I DO recognize one. It's B. The ex from over a year ago. Bad breakup, even worse time in between before I met M, the most recent ex. Meeting M actually was a good thing as it made me quit responding to B's late night calls to come over.
B and I didn't talk for about 5 months... I had heard about him dating several girls (I'm sure they didn't know about each other) and I did hear when he finally "settled" with one girl. Poor thing. I looked her up on facebook. She was younger than me, from a town smaller and farther away from the city as me, and her name was an alocholic beverage than ended with an "i".
I bet her mom also carried purses with big rhinestone crosses on them too.
Best (or worst part) was that her profile picture was her and her dogs... her Yorkie dogs... and this wasn't a profile picture taken by a cute photographer or old modeling photos like mine were. This was a Wal-mart traveling photo guy with the watercolor backdrop posed laying on her side with the dogs in front of her kind of picture. I had seen enough. Considering the fact that I was the one that gave B the final "f*#k off" and was now dating a guy who was 10x better, I left well enough alone.
I ran into them at the bar one night when I was out with the girls. He ignored me until I walked straight up, said hi, then went on my merry way to get another Bourbon and ginger. A week later, at 2 am, he texted me. That went on several times. My new boyfriend was well aware this was going on, and I never said anything back to make B think I wanted him. Apparently, he did the sneaky approach and deleted the texts he sent me, only leaving what I sent him, stringing together phrases in a creative way to make me look like an @$$. I get a text about a few days later:
"Me and my girlfriend B are doing amazing and you need to stay away from me and leave me alone. Please respect that." (the please respect that was a line that I had sent HIM in a previous text!)
My response: "please tell your girlfriend "B with an i ", who obviously wrote that last text, that YOU were the one that started texting me at 2am... or if you don't feel like telling her that, I'd be more than happy to send her the screen shots of those texts you probably deleted. Like I said before, leave me alone."
His response back, which I'm sure she didn't get to read: "I'm really sorry about all of those texts... it's probably best we both just let each other be."
So we did. I haven't seen, heard from or about him for over 5 months. He is literally one of those guys that I could live the rest of my life never talking to again. So wasn't it fabulous when I ran into him at the bar.
The second he saw me he said hi, then turned around and sat WAY across the bar on the other side. Smooth move. Frankly, I didn't want to look at his newly enlarged body (was he that big around the middle when we dated?!) and old navy t-shirt. Of course his "guy night" went away cause next thing ya know "B with an i" is sitting there... right by the bathroom so that means I got to walk by her A LOT. I swear anytime they are together and I see them she's texting on her phone and he's talking to other people... sounds like our relationship.
She is wearing a t-shirt and jeans with flip flops. Like I said, I don't leave the house in that kind of outfit, let ALONE to a crowded bar. (Also, for the future, that's awesome you are blonde, but so am I, and if you want to stand out, maybe add a little volume so you don't look like you have the same hair as your dogs.) She was only there for maybe one quarter of the game then left. After the game (3 hours later) B left as well. Now I'm just waiting on him to start texting me again.
I think if anything I just feel sorry for her... B was always a guy who was attracted to a "Dillard's" kind of girl, and lets face it, I'm more high end luxury brand. (I blame that on my mommy and grandmother... you know my grandmother has only worn pants like 3 times in her whole life!?)
So future first husband, although I will still shop at Ross and Target, I have class and also read the fashion magazines and blogs to find out what people are wearing. I'm a trained interior designer and I know what looks good and flat hair and a t-shirt going out, just don't look good. If you are more of a guy that likes the "girl next door" look, don't try to change me into that. I'm not doing it. Like me for me, like me for who I am, and if you ever try to tell me I "look good spray tan orange" I will punch you in the face.
Until next time,
FFW
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